Ianto's Cobweb Patrol
by badly-knitted
Summary: Ianto keep on top of the cleaning, with a little help! A cracky little one-shot - I should probably apologise for this one in advance!


**Title:** Ianto's Cobweb Patrol

**Author: **badly-knitted

**Characters/Pairing:** Ianto/Jack, Myfanwy

**Rating:** PG-13 for some slightly smutty thoughts

**Word Count:** 1,120

**Warnings:** Mild Crack!Fic. Also, this fic contains spiders

**Spoilers:** None whatsoever.

**Summary:** Ianto keeps on top of the cleaning, with a little help!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Torchwood, sadly.

**A/N:** I credit (or possibly blame) DaletheChu-IantojJackh for this one, the idea was spawned from a conversation we had, and this is what happened! Thanks also to her for reading through the first draft and certifying it readable and not too bizarre!

**A/N2:** Many thanks to icemoonfern, Quiet Time and biancaruth for their lovely reviews of 'A Gift From The Rift'

Jack had gone up on his favourite roof for his regular weekly brooding session, but found he didn't have much to brood about that week, so he finished early and headed back to the Hub to see if Ianto was still there, hoping to fit in a game of Naked Hide and Seek.

When he arrived (through the garage entrance, so he could sneak up behind Ianto without the alarms giving him away), he was met by an extraordinary sight.

"Ianto, why are you dressed like that?"

Ianto was startled. "Jack! I didn't expect you back so early, you're usually gone for hours!"

"Not much to brood about this week, thought I'd see if you were up for a game of Naked Hide and Seek," said Jack, ever optimistic despite prospects in that direction not looking too hopeful.

"I'd love too, Jack, I really would, but I can't right now, I'm a bit busy."

"Which brings me back to my previous question – why are you dressed like that?"

"Oh," Ianto looked down and straightened his overalls, (red, because he knew Jack thought that colour looked particularly good on him). "There are cobwebs up in the ceiling again. I usually deal with them while you're out, you know how I like to keep busy, but with you coming back early, I haven't even started yet."

"Cobwebs?"

"Yes, Sir, I clear them out every month. Have to, otherwise we get showered with spiders every time the Invisible Lift is used – it causes a dreadful draft and the spiders fall off, you see. There are hundreds of the little buggers up there."

"Ah, of course," said Jack, as if that explained everything. He eyed the distant ceiling warily. "It's a long way up, how do you reach? You don't have telescopic legs, do you?" he added hopefully, "'cause that would be cool!"

"No, sorry, just regular legs."

Jack looked vaguely disappointed.

"The height hasn't been a problem though, not since I trained Myfanwy to help," Ianto continued, pulling on his flying helmet and adjusting the goggles. He whistled for his faithful Pteranodon, who fluttered down and landed nearby.

Ianto fetched a complicated looking harness from a nearby desk and strapped it on Myfanwy, attaching panniers loaded with cleaning supplies, then climbed aboard, strapping himself securely in place. After all, it _was_ a long way up and in wouldn't do to fall off. He leaned forward to hand Myfanwy her specially adapted feather duster, so she could get any cobwebs he couldn't reach, then jauntily saluted Jack and up they went, spiralling higher and higher until they were nearly at the ceiling.

Jack gazed up at them, looking suitably impressed.

Once they were high enough, Ianto pulled out his own special feather duster with its extendable handle and began to sweep it through the latest crop of cobwebs as the spiders scurried for safety. Most of them disappeared into crevices, but a few unlucky ones got knocked off and plummeted towards the distant floor. Unfortunately (for Jack, anyway, if not for the spider), one happened to land on Jack's head, making him scream like a girl and run around in circles, frantically trying to dislodge it from his hair without touching it.

Taking pity on his Captain, Ianto guided Myfanwy into a dive and swept the offending spider from Jack's hair with a deft flick of his feather duster, before they soared back up towards the ceiling to continue cleaning.

Ianto called back down to Jack, "You might want to stay in your office for a while; I'll bring you a nice cup of coffee when we're finished."

Wide-eyed, Jack nodded and scuttled for the sanctuary of his office, slamming the door firmly behind him. He could face aliens of any sort with no problem at all, but he really couldn't abide spiders, with all their horrible scuttling legs! They were ickier than the slimiest alien!

Safe in his office, Jack watched through the window, admiring the way Ianto wielded his feather duster. He was getting all sorts of naughty ideas about what he and Ianto could do with it. Of course, he'd have to make sure Ianto picked all the spiders out of it first.

Myfanwy glided back and forth, from one end of the Hub to the other, sweeping cobwebs from the walls with her duster each time she turned while Ianto took care of the ones on the ceiling. Finally, they made a couple of circuits to clear the webs from where the walls joined the ceiling and then glided back to the ground, where Ianto dismounted and removed Myfanwy's harness. He gave her a quick once-over with a duster, paying particular attention to her crest, which tended to collect a few stray webs, before giving her a big bar of chocolate as a reward for a job well done.

Jack poked his head out of his office. "Is it safe to come out yet?"

"Best wait a few more minutes while we collect any stray spiders," Ianto replied.

"Oh, okay." Jack ducked back in his office, quickly shutting the door again – just in case.

Myfanwy, having finished her chocolate, was already hunting spiders, her keen eyesight catching the tiniest scurrying movement. Each one was quickly despatched with a swift nip from her huge beak. Ianto was rather more humane, catching the ones he found and dropping them in a jar to be released outside the next morning, where they could take their chances.

Once both Ianto and Myfanwy were satisfied they'd dealt with all the spiders, Ianto headed up to Jack's office, helmet and goggles in hand. He was hot, sweaty and dusty, and very much wanted a nice, hot shower.

"All clear, Sir," he called through the closed door. "I'll just make you your coffee, then I'm going to have a quick shower."

The door swung open and Jack stepped out of his office, brave again now the danger of falling and scuttling spiders had passed. "Forget the coffee for now, why don't you let me help you shower first? I can wash your back – and other parts." He flashed his best smile.

Ianto smiled back, anticipating a long, hot, soapy, slippery Jack… His eyes snapped back into focus. Shower. Yes, shower.

"An offer I couldn't possibly refuse, Sir."

"Excellent!" Jack grabbed Ianto by the overalls and started pulling him towards the showers.

As they disappeared through the door to the lower levels, Jack's voice floated back…

"Ianto, if I ask really, really nicely, would you teach me to ride Myfanwy?"

Back in the main Hub, Myfanwy sighed heavily and rolled her eyes. The things she did for her humans! Honestly, a Pteranodon's work was never done!

The End

**A/N:** I apologise, it just had to be written! Anyway, if you liked it, please review! I reply to all logged in reviews. I can't reply to guests as sadly there's nowhere to reply to.


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